


Evil Author Day 2018

by Chaos_Valkyrie



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Enemies to Lovers, Its About Time Episode AU, M/M, Smut, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-19 07:50:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13700103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaos_Valkyrie/pseuds/Chaos_Valkyrie
Summary: Just a note to let you guys know I'm alive, and some teasers for EAD 2018! All Perryshmirtz, of course.





	1. Author's Note

I'm using EAD18 as an excuse to tell you guys that I am alive and still writing! That said, I know I've got a lot of unfinished work going, and I'm trying my damnedest to get back to writing. 

The problem is, 2017 (and basically the tail end of 2016, right after I posted NCL chapter 2) turned into the year of FUCK MY LIFE. Pretty much the worst year of my existence on this floating rock. Its been hard to want to write with family in and out of the hospital (1 death, 1 almost death, and surgery), having to move out of my house thanks to a raccoon infestation, and I broke my foot. On my birthday, of all days. Like I said, last year was one big FUCK MY LIFE after another.

I'm not going to say things are better, now, because I feel like Life will accept that challenge and something else will go to shit. But I do hope to get back to writing soon, just maybe not twice-weekly postings like before.

Also, since I've had time to research, I'll be posting edits and reformatting everything. I won't be significantly changing any of the stories, just fixing typos me and my dyslexia missed the first go round, and adding italics and whatnot.

So anyway, in celebration of Evil Author's Day, I'm posting some teasers of various fics (so many fics, I posted the more finished / exciting blurbs) I've been working on. These will all eventually be finished, but if you let me know which ones you like best, that will encourage me to work on those faster! Enjoy!


	2. Is That My Soul That Calls Upon My Name, AU 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is That My Soul That Calls Upon My Name: Series of soulmate AUs. All the different tropes, some even as AUs of my own AUs. (Soulmate trope is my favorite.)
> 
> This one is an AU of Agent O, using the 'soulmate's name is written on you' trope.

Heinz Doofenshmirtz, age nine, wiped the sweat from his small brow and sat back on his heels with a sigh. 

There, it was finished. The Ocelotinator. He had worked on the plans for weeks now, tweeking his blueprints and calculations until they couldn't be anymore perfect.

So tonight was do or die time. After his so-called 'birth' parents finally went to sleep, he tossed away his gnome hat and beard and carefully, quietly, stole the parts he needed from the vacuum, the radio, and his father's old truck, hauling everything to the shed out back. He frantically assembled the pieces, periodically pausing to listen carefully for any sound of movement from the house.

And now, finally, the tiny little ray gun was finished. He glanced nervously one last time towards his parents' house (not his home, never home) and took a deep breath. If this didn't work, there'd be hell to pay in the morning.

But if it did work... Heinz sighed. The ocelots were the only real family he'd ever known. Mutti and Vati, Odette and Otto, they loved him. He would have happily spent the rest of his life with them as a human, had the hunters not shown up.

Heinz knew he couldn't stay with his true family, not if it meant they were hunted down just for their association with him. But no one ever said he couldn't go back to them in a different form...

If he couldn't stay with them as a human, then he'd just change species. No single human had ever shown him any love or acceptance, not like the ocelots. It would be worth it, becoming one of them to stay with them forever.

Picking up the gun, he took another deep breath and aimed the gun towards himself. He paused, running his fingers one last time over his heart. It was a nervous habit, but one most people had – running your fingers over your soulmate's name.

He set down the Ocelotinator and frantically pulled his shirt off. One last time... he studied the name carefully for the last time.

Bartholomew Perceval Fletcher. Written in a neat block print, he traced his finger over each letter for the very last time. He may have never known love, but he always had hope – the Name etched over his heart was practically a guarantee that one day, he'd find at least one person who would love and understand him.

But it wasn't set in stone. There was still a chance that one of them would die first, or they simply wouldn't find one another in all the billions of people in the world. Then again, maybe his soulmate would be like his parents... after all, they were meant to love him as their son, and see how well that turned out. Maybe it'd be a one-sided match, though they claimed such things only happened in movies... it'd be his luck to be the first real life case...

Heinz shook his head, rubbing his finger across the name one last time. He had a family right here, right now, that loved him and wanted him back. He couldn't throw that away for a what-might-never-be.

No more hesitation. He aimed the Ocelotinator at his chest and pressed the trigger.

*****

A little while later, as the first rays of sunlight crept over the horizon, Heinz awoke. Groggily, he pushed his paws out in front of himself in a stretch. He smiled, and peeking over his shoulder, he could see a tail curling back and forth in happiness. 

Standing up, he looked over himself, studying his new coat of fur and the neat lines of stripes and spots trailing down his back. His breath rattled, and he was startled to realize that he was purring.

He could hear his human parents starting to stir awake, thanks to his newly pointy ears. He grinned, scooping the gun into his mouth and bolting for the woods. 

Hours later, as he drifted off to sleep with his ocelot parents and siblings in their den, he felt one tiny pang of regret. He was happy now, the happiest he'd ever been in his life, curled up here with his family surrounding him. He hoped, if by some tiny miracle he did in fact meet his soulmate, that they would understand.

*****

A few years later…

*****

"Bartholomew, you have to use your words."

"Bart, you have to tell us what you want."

"See, this is an apple. Can you say that, Barty? Apple."

The six-year-old wanted to say, "My name is not Bartholomew, nor Bart, nor Barty. Its Perry. Can you say that? Perry."

But every time he did open his mouth and tell them exactly that, they called it gibberish. The dog at the police station had understood him just fine, as did Mrs Nibbles (the orphanage's cat).

'The humans can't understand you when you talk like we do,' they tried to explain, but Perry refused to try.

'I don't want to be human,' he whispered, stroking the fur on Mrs Nibbles' back softly, 'I want my family back.' It was nighttime, and he had once again snuck out of bed to talk to the one person here who understood him. It was the only time he could talk to her, here in the dark. When he tried to during the day, he was either scolded or jeered at for talking like an animal... like a freak.

Of course, he didn't have a family anymore, either family anymore. Not his human parents who died in that car wreck (he had no memory of that), nor his platypus family. That hunter... Liam, was it?... had seen to that.

Perry sniffled at the memories, and Mrs Nibbles sighed. 

'Here, let me show you something,' she whispered. 'Take your shirt off.'

Perry's brow furrowed, but he sat up and did as he was told. He slipped the grey shirt over his head, not quite getting tangled in it (clothing was still a new concept to him), and watched as Mrs Nibbles raised a paw to his chest.

'You see this?' Perry looked down at the mark there and shrugged. The strange black line had always been there. Mrs Nibbles snorted.

'This is the name of your soulmate. Has anyone told you about those yet?'

Perry shook his head.

'Animals don't have such things, but every human is born with the name of their soulmate written over their heart. Your soulmate is the one person who will love and understand you more than anyone else in the world.' His eyes widened as he stared at the black mark with new eyes. 

'Its a guarantee, Perry. Out there, somewhere, that person is waiting for you. Your family, best friend, and perfect mate wrapped up in one package just for you.'

'Can you tell me what their name is?' he asked excitedly, puffing his chest towards her. She laughed.

'They don't teach animals to read, silly. Only humans learn that.' She grinned as he deflated, looking down at his chest with a frown.

'So you'll just have to hurry up and learn, then, won't you?' His head jerked up and he looked at her in shock. 'You do want to be able to read it for yourself, right?'

Perry nodded frantically in reply.


	3. Is That My Soul That Calls Upon My Name, AU 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is That My Soul That Calls Upon My Name: Series of soulmate AUs. All the different tropes, some even as AUs of my own AUs. (Soulmate trope is my favorite.)
> 
> Another soulmate fic, not nearly as edited as the last one. This is based off a Bucky Barnes / Clint Barton soulmate story by either flawedamethyst or sara_holmes (I can't remember, sorry). The idea is that you have a fingerprint on your body that marks the first place your soulmate will touch you. Once bonded, you can feel each other's emotions by touching the mark.
> 
> I've expanded upon this idea, that you can always (faintly) feel your soulmate's emotions through the mark, even before bonding. The fic also never really touched on whether that first touch had to be bare-skinned or not (I.e., say, wearing gloves would prevent one from activating a soulmark). So I'm making it the first, skin-to-skin contact between soulmates.

Perry was eight when he discovered that the mark on his face actually meant something.

He still remembered the look of shock and pity on his caretaker’s face after he innocently fingerspelled, ‘Why does this,’ here he pointed at the mark under his eye, ‘make me sad when I touch it?’

In Perry’s defense, his parents had died when he only four years old, and if they had explained the meaning of soulmarks, his toddler’s memory didn’t remember it. And when the platypuses adopted him, well, platypuses didn’t have soulmates (or if they did, they never told him). 

The orphanage caretaker sat him down, and explained to him – both vocally and in sign – the significance of the soulmark and how the phantom emotions he felt belonged to his soulmate – the one person who’d understand and love him more than anyone else.

Child perry had been ecstatic. no one here understood him, not better than the platypuses had, and he looked forward to finding that special person who’d be his bestest friend ever.

He just wished they weren't so sad all the time.

*****

The caretaker had been too nice to tell him the full story, however. 

No one knew exactly how soulmarks came into being. Perry was far too pragmatic to believe in tales of ancient gods (especially since wars had been fought over just whose gods had granted said marks). All he did know was that everyone around him treated soulmarks like they were the end all and be all of existence.

Perry, unactivated still in his mid-thirties, begged to differ.

Most people found their soulmates far earlier, especially with the ease of travel and the internet and everything else. People kept track of the dates and times their marks appeared, kept records of any major emotional crisis they or their soulmate went through, etc. Anything to track down their fated one.

Most marks were someplace generic, on a hand or wrist, imprints of a pair’s first handshake or something. It was rare to find soulmarks located elsewere… unfortunately, Perry’s was located under his eye, like a sepia-coloured teardrop. Some of the boys at orphanage used to tease him for it, insisting that even his soulmate must think he’s a weirdo too if the first thing they did was slap him.

It wasn’t a slap – he’d been slapped a few times in training, and the placement was all wrong.

He hated soulmarks. He knew people stared, whispered, shook their heads in pity. They all thought his soulmate was dead, and on days when the staring grew to be too much, he’d often sit in his room, finally alone, hand pressed to his mark for hours, immersing himself in the ghosting emotions that signified his soulmate was still alive. Still feeling.

Whenever he pressed a finger to his mark, for years now, he always felt loneliness and sorrow. Those two emotions made up the core of his soulmate; sure, sometimes his mate was happy, or angry (the anger seemed to come up more often now), but his soulmate had obviously had a rougher time of it than even Perry.

Perry hated himself for keeping his soulmate in such a state.


	4. Sleeping with the Frenemy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sleeping with the Frenemy: 5+1 fic. Both Human, Canon-ish. Three Parts. Perry's PoV - Five times he had sex with his nemesis and unintentionally hurt his feelings. Heinz's PoV - Five times they slept together and Heinz woke up alone. +1 the one time (first of many times) they slept together and didn't wake up alone.
> 
> This will be fleshed out more for the final version. Trigger warnings, it starts off with rutting, but will gradually work its way up to full intercourse. Don't like, don't read.

The first time it happened, it was a complete accident, due to Heinz’s poor impulse control.

He couldn’t help it. It had been such a long time since his last date, as well as being a long time since he had realized that the special agent – his nemesis! – was not only the most important person in his life, but was also quite an attractive individual as well…

So, thanks to this awkward revelation about the attractiveness of his nemesis, it was just Murphy’s Law that he would get a bit turned on in the middle of their latest, full-bodied scuffle…

Agent P stilled at the feel of Heinz’s semi pressing against his leg, one teal eyebrow rising in shock and incredulity. Heinz’s cheeks flared red, and after an embarrassing pause, Heinz punched Perry fiercely in the gut, winding the agent.

The resumed battle, Heinz could admit in hindsight, felt less like a good-natured struggle between Good and Evil, and a lot more like frantic rutting – on both their parts, he was sure he wasn't imagining that – with, y’know, some half-hearted punching and kicking thrown in.

Heinz blacked out during his orgasm – oh Gott it had been so long since he had had even this with anyone – and woke up alone, his clothing soaked with cum and sweat and his –inator a smoking pile of metal.

He cursed himself, rising to his feet. He was absolutely certain he’d just lost the only good thing in his miserable life.

*****

The first time it happened, Perry wasn’t sure what the hell to think.

Let’s restart this…

It was perfectly normal to have fantasies about one’s nemesis, wasn’t it?

He felt that Peter would probably agree, but it’d be a cold day in hell before Perry would ever ask him. 

…And Perry was uncertain enough of the answer any other agent would give to that question to avoid asking it of them...

So when he felt the beginnings of Heinz’s erection against his leg, he had to pause to make sure he wasn’t actually lost in some incredibly vivid wet dream. He was almost ready to pinch himself…

Though that sucker punch to the gut did the trick nicely.

Perry retaliated by punching his shoulder, and the fight resumed.

Well, not exactly a fight. More like rolling about on the floor, grinding frantically against any part of the other that they could reach, and occassionally punching or kicking the other, because they were still fighting, really. 

Perry let out a growl much deeper and huskier than normal when he climaxed, echoed moments later by a frankly obscene moan from Heinz. Perry almost passed out at the force of it, and was unsurprised (and maybe a teensy bit smug) that Heinz had indeed lost consciousness. If he came that hard just from frottage, then what would he do when Perry stripped him down and had his way with him next time...

Perry went cold at the thought. Next time? He'd just had sex with his nemesis. Nemesis. As in the one person he's pretty sure OWCA does not want him to have sex with!

He leapt to his feet, leaving Heinz on the floor as he raced to grab his jet pack. This changed everything, and Perry needed to get back to base and figure out what the hell he was going to do...

Perry was about to rev the engines and get the hell out of there before he dropped his head and sighed. Turning back, he hit the self-destruct button on the -Inator they both had completely forgotten about, and then skulked away to have his panic attack in peace.


	5. That Time Perry Beat Up a T-Rex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That Time Perry Beat Up a T-Rex: Not sure if will become Human AU or not. Canon-ish. ‘Its About Time’ AU. A heartbroken Perry hangs up his hat for good, gets sucked into the past with the kids. Perry is just fucking DONE with everything, ends up revealing his secret agent status when he beats up the T-Rex before it can chase Candace. They eventually get home and Perry and Heinz very eventually reconcile. Includes shovel talks from the kids and Perry throwing a bag of chips at the TV a la Elle Woods from Legally Blonde.
> 
> This is from the beginning, not edited at all. () are used to mark where it'll be fleshed out a bit more.

(Insert Perry walking in on Peter and Heinz.)

"Unfortunately, we don’t have regulations about who agents thwart in their free time. We can give him a reprimand for the thwarting you walked in on, since that was officially yours, but that’s not much more than a slap on the wrist. I’m sorry, Agent P." Carl swallowed nervously, his face twisted with sympathy. "We could always find you a new nemesis?" he suggested.

Perry shook his head. 'I don’t want another nemesis. I need time to think about what I want to do next,' he signed, pretending that was the rain still running down his face, not tears.

Carl nodded. "Why don’t you take some time off, then? You’ve got plenty built up, and since Monogram is unavailable right now, I can sign off on it. Why don’t you take some time with your host family and think about what you’d like to do next? You could always go into training or general agent work; there are plenty of other positions available…"

Perry smiled at the intern. 'Thanks, Carl.'

The intern smiled back softly. "Anytime, Agent P."

*****

(Perry goes back to the museum, flops on time machine seat to watch boys work.)

"Something wrong, boy? You seem a little down." Phineas asked, gently stroking his pet on the head. 

'Oh no, I only discovered that my only lifelong enemy doesn’t feel the same way about our relationship and was having a torrid affair on me,' Perry thought grimly. He churred out loud, bumping his head against Phineas’s hand in reassurance.

"Okay, boy, I’m sure it’ll get better." Phineas returned to his work, missing the sound of Perry snorting softly.

'Oh look, a wild Candace appeared,' he thought to himself sarcastically.

(get transported to past, time machine gets smashed by the T-rex)

Candace screamed behind him, and Perry knew, just knew the girl would flail about and run, disregarding her brother’s advice in her panic.

And Perry would have to either just pretend he was just a pet and watch his kids be in danger… or reveal himself and lose the other half of his life.

He'd already lost his nemesis, and now he could very well lose his kids if he revealed himself as an agent to save their lives, as if pretending to be their pet was going to help anything...

The t-rex roared, Candace screamed, and suddenly, Perry was just fucking done. With everything.

The tyrannasaurus never saw the first hit coming. A straight kick, right to the center of its nose had it rearing its head back and bellowing in confusion. Perry didn't give it a chance to go far, slamming his fist into one eye, then slamming his tail down across the other. His vision was shrouded in red as he went to town on the t-rex's face, slamming his tiny fists and feet and tail into the prehistoric predator’s nose and eyes and face and….

"Perry?!" a voice cried through his haze, pulling him away. The t-rex reeled back, face bloodied, fleeing the area.

Perry gasped, chest heaving, as he turned to face his owners. Phineas had his arms loosely around him, while Ferb stood, looking worried nearby, and Candace had shrunk back in fear.

"Perry?" Phineas asked, loosening his hold, yet keeping enough of a grip to ensure that the platypus remained upright.

Perry flushed, hanging his head in shame. He pulled the requisite pamphlet out of a secret pouch and presented it to his owners.

“‘So you’ve discovered that your pet is a secret agent’… what?!” Phineas read out loud, and Perry cringed.


	6. Thwart Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thwart Me: Accidental Voyeurism Trope. Both Human, Canon-ish. Smut fic, PWP. Carl puts cameras up in Doof’s apartment, Perry accidentally (by Carl’s design) witnesses Doof jerking off. Leads to smut.
> 
> Smut mostly off screen in this one... you'll see what I mean.
> 
> Also, I'm ruining the Whale episode for everyone now. You're welcome.

Perry, codename the Platypus, dropped into his secret lair with a huff of frustration. He flung himself into his monitor chair and refused to acknowledge that he was pouting. He was just... frustrated. And confused. And perhaps a teensy bit worried...

His nemesis (and coincidentally, best friend) had been acting very odd lately. Well, odd-er, if you were acquainted with the 'evil' former-Drusselsteinian scientist.

It was just that... Heinz didn't stick around anymore. In the golden days of their frenemyship, Dr. Doofenshmirtz would trap Agent P, monologue for a bit (sometimes with a snappy musical number), Agent P would escape, thwarting would be had, and after the routine scuffle, they would end things with a decent-sized explosion at the press of a self-destruct button. 

Then Heinz and Perry would go and hang out for a bit. Sometimes they'd catch up on their soaps, go for a walk in the park, or occasionally, even go out to eat somewhere. Perry knew they had an unorthodox nemesis-ship, but there was nothing against being friends with your nemesis in the OWCA rules and regulations (Perry had checked very carefully).

But for a while now, things had changed. The work routine was the same, thank goodness, but afterwards...

Sometimes, they'd still go out and do something, but more often than not, Heinz would just... disappear after he was thwarted.

And Perry the Platypus, OWCA's top agent, couldn't figure out why. Hence his frustration. Heinz didn't seem to be acting any differently... maybe he was a little hesitant to be the one to start their scuffles, but he was still just as eager after the first punch was thrown.

Perry put his head in his hands and groaned in annoyance. He just wanted his best friend to go back to normal... was that too much to ask?! 

Huffing, he turned on his monitor, determined to write his report and then spend time with the boys. Hopefully that would cheer him up.

His thoughts derailed the moment the screen came up, showing a split-screen live camera feed of what he knew to be various rooms in the DEI building – specifically, Doofenshmirtz's apartment.

Perry's eyes glinted red with rage. Damn it, Carl! Perry tapped his watch to contact the intern, but unsurprisingly received no answer.

They had discussed this, very thoroughly, and he thought the unpaid intern had understood. Perry was completely opposed to installing cameras inside Heinz's apartment, not only because of the invasion of the man's privacy, but doubly so for Vanessa, given that she was an innocent and a minor! The fact that she was currently off at a summer internship was irrelevant!

Today's scheme had been off-site, so Carl must've taken the opportunity to do this behind their backs. When he got a hold of that intern, he was going to make him regret his life choices.

Movement on the screen caught his peripheral vision, and he looked up, only to quickly shut his eyes. Carl had even installed cameras in the bathroom?! Perry rubbed the bridge of his nose tiredly, wishing he could wipe away the image of a mostly naked Doofenshmirtz that was now seared into his memory.

Not that he hadn't seen the man half-naked before... Perry stopped that dangerous train of thought in its tracks. He was a professional, he would not entertain such thoughts about his nemesis. He greatly valued their friendship, and wouldn't dare ruin it by making some sort of pass at a man who had never indicated that he was anything but heterosexual.

After all, the way Heinz shared horrifying back story after back story, Perry surely would have heard some tale of a date gone wrong with a man by now. And his dating profile (strudelcutie4427) had him listed only as 'man seeking woman', not that Perry had checked for anything other than professional reasons. Of course not.

He heard the rustle of a shower curtain, and peeked to see if it was safe to look again. The sound of the shower started, and Perry tapped the key to drop the display. Thank God Heinz's shower curtain was opaque... 

What? Perry's eyes went wide as instead of exiting the monitoring program, it switched from a split-screen spread of the various cameras to a full screen live feed of the bathroom.

Perry started tapping buttons, keeping his eyes averted from the monitor. He was first going to figure out how to turn off this program, and then tomorrow, when Doof left his apartment for his usual supplies shopping trip, he was going to sneak into that apartment and rip every single camera out with extreme prejudice.

As his button pushing intensified, the analytical part of his brain found the sounds from the feed both soothing and curious. Soothing for the sounds of running water and silence. 

Which made him curious. He always figured that Heinz, with how vocal he was normally, would be the type to sing or hum or something in the shower. It was a bit refreshing, really, a silent Heinz (not that he minded Heinz's chatter, Perry found his rambling soothing in its own way).

He heard a pained grunt come from the screen, and glanced up, afraid that the accident-prone man might have slipped in the shower or something. After a long pause where nothing happened, Perry returned his attention to the keyboard, determined to figure this monitoring program out...

Another grunt, a gasp, and then a long, drawn out moan.

Perry's head whipped up, his eyes wide as his cheeks began to burn. Heinz couldn't be...

Another groan came from behind the curtain. "Oh Gott, yes, pleeeeease...."

Perry knew he should just leave, unplug the monitor, anything to stop this violation of his best friend's privacy… but it was like a train wreck, he just couldn't look away.

Now Heinz's chattiness kicked in, the man begging and pleading in between grunts, groans and gasps.

"Oh, oh please, yes, right there, pleeeease, like that, just like thaaaat…" his voice trailed away into a high-pitched whine.

Perry kept his hands firmly on the keyboard. He was a professional, he reminded himself. He was not going to get off on imagining that he was the one making Heinz beg and plead like this...

Not now, anyway. He wasn't sure he could avoid thinking about this later, on the other hand. He was thankful he couldn't actually see Heinz, because adding visual to this would be murder on his self-control.

Heinz's pleading intensified, and Perry prayed vaguely that this torture would end soon as he fidgeted in his seat, his eyes riveted to the screen. 

(The reptilian part of his brain snorted, because if he was the one causing Heinz to make those sounds, he'd draw it out as long as he possibly could.)

"Oh, oh mein gott, yes, yes, pleeease, please, stymie me!"

Perry full-bodied twitched, his lips parting in shock. What did he just say? 

Heinz moaned, long and low. "Yeeeesssss, foil me! Oh yes, yes, thwart me! Thwart me!"

Perry stared at the screen, his eyes practically bugging out of his face, his hands clenched so tightly over the keyboard that he distantly knew they would hurt later. Heinz couldn't be jerking off about him, it just wasn't...

"Oh gott, oh Per-, oh gott… oh, curse you, Perry the Platypus!" the man screamed.

Oh. He was.

Perry shuddered violently, his vision sparking at the edges as he came violently without even touching himself.

Well, fuck, that was going to make sneaking back into the house more difficult.


End file.
